We’ve been talking a lot lately about receiving. Because “receiving” and “grace” go hand-in-hand. Receiving means we’re operating from a place of faith and rest and we’ve ceased trying to figure it all out on our own. Rather, we’ve submitted to the God of grace who is more than capable of leading and loving us out of our messes.
I am learning, sometimes at an uncomfortably slow pace, that my mood is a pretty good indication of where my heart sits on this matter. For example, this past week was a particularly uncomfortable week for me. I know, I’ve had a few of those lately but the good news is, they are definitely teaching me.
My work as an educator is not always easy. Heck, if I’m being honest, I would say that most days it wipes me out. I teach students of all ages. Currently, my youngest students are 7 years old (but I’ve taught as young as 4) and my oldest is in her 60’s. I love the variation of that dynamic and it helps to keep things interesting. Because I teach at a university, I have quite a few college-level students but it is really nice to have the younger and older ones outside the university too. It’s also nice that they are at varying levels in their vocal and piano studies. I like the challenge of some. I like the simplicity and eagerness to learn of others.
But, being a teacher is what it is. It’s not always easy.
Being a teacher means a lot of determination, patience and love goes into what I do. I can so easily empty myself into my work – only because I feel it is required of me. Some students don’t require tons of patience but they all require tender encouragement, and frankly, all of them deserve that. Or almost all.
I have left work drained for years…yes…literally, years. I’ve gotten much better at not bringing my work home with me but I still have work to do. I’ve also gotten much better at learning that my students’ successes do not fall solely on me. In fact, the biggest part of their success falls on them. They either care and practice and receive what I offer as a professional or they don’t. I’ve learned you can’t make students do anything they don’t want to do and that some, no matter how much patience and love you pour into them, can still have a bad attitude.
It sounds like I have a healthy outlook about it all but truthfully, these things still bother me at times. I can be pretty human.
As I drove away from work Thursday night and was heading to meet my boyfriend for supper, I felt so angry and tense that I KNEW something was not right. I played my week out in my head and relived two disturbing instances where students had taken advantage of my kindness and hurt my feelings with their insensitive words. And I couldn’t let it go.
I had about a half hour drive ahead of me and although my mister would probably say I was still a bit tense by the time I got to him, I had actually calmed down quite a bit along the way. This drive was my time to process and I wasted the first half thinking over the things that hurt while getting more angry.
But about 15 minutes in, I felt how tight my hands were; one on the wheel and one balled up in a fist on my lap…and I knew I needed my God. I didn’t want to complain the same old complaints to Him. I wanted to receive what He had for me.
So I opened my hand, palm up to heaven and I said, “Lord, I receive all the grace you have for me in this and all areas of my life.” And I felt Him moving.
I began to praise Him…and He began to remind me…
that He is in the work I do because I’ve submitted my life to Him…
which meant, I could be still and trust that even a week that hadn’t felt all that successful to me was sitting securely in His hands. And all He touches is good.
Friends, the truth is, we all have days when our current lives feel unbearable. All of the sudden, we want a new career and a new house and a warmer climate and a better body and a bigger paycheck and we’re convinced that any and all of these things will fix the unrest inside. But even when we attain the earthly things we covet, it never takes long before the unrest takes hold again and life feels uncomfortable. This is why some of the wealthiest and prettiest people of the world feel completely empty.
Only the love of God reaches that place. I’ve experienced this enough and know of others who have as well to call it “fact”. Sometimes, it will look like we’re stuck; like we’re spinning our tires in mud and life will just remain uncomfortable until we are able to figure out a way to get to something new. But in the deepest recesses of our hearts, we’re really just longing for Him.
And when He comes, He makes things new.
I am a good teacher. I am fairly horrible at stating anything confident like that. But there has been enough proof in my life for me to see and believe the truth of that statement. My sweet mom has a way of bringing up my successes when I am overwhelmed with defeat. I am grateful for that.
But, even if I am a good teacher, does this mean I will reach every kid? No. Does this mean their failings are mine? No. Does this mean God blesses my work even when I feel like hitting my head against the wall? Yes.
Even when my perspective is warped and my energy is depleted, He is blessing my work. Why? Because I open my hand and I humbly ask Him to. And He, with His most loving heart, responds and makes me whole…
yet again.
I love our God.
And I love that He made a way for me to let go of the hurt on Thursday evening and go on to have a perfectly lovely date with a wonderfully sweet man. I could have surrendered my night to my bitterness but I am so glad I did not.
I wish this same peace for you. Open your hand, friend. He has something He cannot wait to pour into your heart, perspective and life.
It is comfort like no other.
Thank you for sharing your heart on the matter and I am so sorry you are going through this. In this life “we are better together” and I will be praying for the state of your heart. It is all too easy to survive instances of turmoil however the hard part is after the battle. The hard part is living a life with a tender heart toward God and an open heart to live life out of our control. To die to self-every day because of the work on the cross. He chose you that day. He said I love this woman and I CHOOSE to die so I can love her without a separation between us. I love her so much that I want my spirit to live inside of her. Christ, forever and completely, cleansed earth, heaven and hell to love us without bounds. There is no law, there are no boundaries, there is no limit to His love for us. That’s why His grace is sufficient. We reap the harvest, the inheritance of Jesus Christ; Every blessing that his Father is eager to bless him with, we get. (Without having to do anything but believe). This is why we have joy everlasting through circumstances where we shouldn’t have joy. I don’t know about you, but I have to remind myself this every day. There are those who have to fight a battle in their mind to keep this joy and I hope this reminder will help heal in many ways.
Oh my Darling Jess, over the many years that I’ve watched you teach, I have only seen the love & admiration that your students have for you. The look in their eyes, the heartfelt notes, the genuine hugs, the generous gifts, & so many grateful accolades. The number of people who have come to me to compliment my daughter has been nothing short of amazing, and has made your Dad & I so very proud. You have a rapport with your students unlike anyone I have ever known. You have taken some through pre-school & beyond college, & have made life-long friendships. That kind of bond can only come from a special kind of teacher who gives their whole heart & soul to their students. It has never been just a job to you. It has always just been a need to share your gifts & help others to do so as well. Not all people are as genuine as you, my Love. We’ve talked about this so many times. You are in an ego driven profession, surrounded by “artists” who can be very full of themselves & who take for granted that their talents are far superior to everyone else’s. You, yourself have had teachers who were far more interested in their own agendas than they ever were in promoting yours. Maybe this is why you feel so determined to be the change. Let me assure you, from what I’ve seen, from what I’ve heard so many times, from what I know to be true from my own firsthand experience, you ARE the exception to the rule. You are a wonderful teacher with a good heart who only wants what’s best for those interested in learning & benefiting from your experience. If an egotistical, immature problem child, anxious to blame all their problems on someone else, wants to hurt you to make themselves feel superior, that is their inadequacy, NOT yours. You, in your heart know the truth. You, being you, will dwell on the unkind words. But you, being you, will get past this!