Grace To Self

I took a walk the evening before last. It was rather chilly but so beautiful out. The sky was clear and the stars were bright. Part of my reason for walking was because I hadn’t been feeling well pretty much all day. Well, more like all week. I was hoping a long, quickly paced walk would release those endorphins and help me start feeling like me again. I also tend to feel more like myself when I’m outside and quietly taking in the sights, sounds and scents around me. Life doesn’t feel as claustrophobic when you’re out in God’s creation. I was sure it would open my mind and release the pressure in my heart.

Twenty minutes into my walk I thought: Ok, endorphins. Any time now. Forty minutes into my walk: still nothing. It just wasn’t having the same affect it normally would…and that was really disappointing me.

Now, I’m not saying exercise isn’t good for you. We all know it is. Even though I didn’t feel quite as invigorated as I normally would during a walk, I know I did my body good. But I think the simple fact that a long brisk walk did very little for my heart and mind shows just how crummy I was feeling. I went back through my week in my head as I walked; my food choices, my sleep patterns, my conversations, my work. All of it. I was looking for a trigger.

When I came to the main road of my little town where there is some construction going on (where isn’t there right now, right?), I came across a posted sign that read: Rough Road Ahead, Slow Down.

I immediately snickered to myself and thought, I’ll say. It was as if even the street signs were telling me I was going to be uncomfortable. And I was. For the rest of the walk and the rest of the night.

I promise you I’m not trying to sound weird or dramatic. We all have bad days and even bad weeks. No big deal. We can even go through entire seasons where things seldom feel right. But I guess the thing that scares me during periods when I’m not at my best is the thought of letting others down. If I have a day of teaching when I don’t offer my kids quite the same patience and friendliness or I have a talk with a family member or friend and it’s off-putting for them how quiet and reserved I am, I just begin to feel like I am causing others to feel badly too. And I really hate that.

I have issues, I know.

I normally pull away from others during those times in an attempt to not pull them down with me. People who are closest to me kind of get this about me. It’s just kind of my style. And I’m always very appreciative of those who don’t fault me for it even though I know I need to work on this.

The truth of the matter is, I was going through a rough patch last week. My own little rough road. For whatever reason, I wasn’t feeling right; physically or emotionally. But I tried to charge through at my normal pace and then got really mad at myself when I couldn’t keep up. I know I’m not the only one who does this. Why do we have so much trouble offering ourselves the slightest bit of grace?

I know, I know. I said I would write about God’s grace and here I am writing about the grace we give ourselves. But, in my humble opinion, they are one in the same. It was God’s perspective that shifted my focus and helped me snap out of my funk. When I realized what I’d been doing to myself all week, it was His beautiful and tender voice whispering in my heart, “Jess, you can have an off week. You are loved just the same.”

I’m wondering if any of you need to hear that right now. Are you having an off day? An off week? An off month or year? I hope you know you’re still loved. Not only do your family members and friends still love you, but your God sees you with the same love He always has. The truth is, He understands what you’re going through better than you understand yourself. And He cares.

We all have days we’d rather pull the covers over our heads but this is hardly ever an option. We have to just keep on keepin’ on. We may not run at optimum performance and that may feel a little risky and uncertain. This is more than okay and you know what? I have a feeling if we just allow ourselves the grace to maybe slow down a bit, the pending road won’t feel nearly as rough.

Grace and peace to you, dear ones. You are God’s beloved. Listen to what He tells you today and know His grace isn’t withheld on the days you need it the most. That would just be counterproductive and our God is far too wise and loving for that. Allow yourselves to receive His grace and you just might feel more like yourself again. I know I did.

Ephesians 4:7 – But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it.